“You’re going to have to have your teacher stick your lashes on,” I texted my daughter as I sent my husband out the door with her dance gear, “I’m useless right now.”
Every non-life threatening symptom of said vaccine crashed down on me in waves the night of her dress rehearsal. The day before, I decided to hit the gym for the first time in a long time and lift weights for the first time ever since college athletics required me to. I laid there, completely miserable, two afghans on top of me and unable to move a literal muscle without hurting. Naturally, I called my mom and cried …”I’m falling a part from the inside out!”
Another trip around the sun.
This one feels different. All of the birthdays change slowly over time as we grow out of cousin b-day parties with pin the tail on the donkey. The celebrations are never quiet the same without Grams, or since my parents and brother and sister moved away. But there is a different different to this one. A different I can’t quite put my finger on …maybe because I can’t move a single muscle without hurting. (Apparently if you grip the weights too hard, fingers cramp and hurt …noted.)
Holding onto the railing with a death-grip, praying my legs didn’t give out and send me tumbling down to the first floor, I thought about how this fourth decade of life constantly temps me to goal-check. A whole new set of fears rolled in with this fourth decade …the ultimate FOMO of unaccomplished dreams, my kids becoming more athletic than me, and not fully realizing God’s purpose and potential for my life.
When I started this blog, I was a new mom. It was a big call from God, but I obeyed …and left my career to stay home with Brianne. God provided in the most miraculous and impossible ways, and along came Lauren two short years later. I was overjoyed and overwhelmed by God’s love, grace and blessing, but also very tired. I wrote down all of the funny things my mind might forget …and the stories are all still here.
God grew more from this space of genuine gratitude than I could have ever imagined. He gave me blog titles, article assignments, and book titles! I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared I couldn’t do all of what He has asked me to do. After all …I’m already 42.
My daughters are young ladies now, so I don’t air out every hilarious story about them here anymore. They’re in junior high, so everything is embarrassing! (I am harboring said stories, though, so if you’re lucky enough to know me in person, I’ve always got one to tell.) While they are at school, practice, and rehearsals …off with friends and away at camp …it’s quiet. Amidst all of the assignments and another looming book outline …I can feel God’s purpose back-building.
After all …I’m only 42.
My favorite memories are the miracles God has sewn into the pages of my story. They are still here, too. I needed this trip to the blog, today, to keep from falling a part from the inside out. I needed to remember all of the answers God has written onto the pages of my prayers.
The past year has exhausted us all. I took a nap last week, and it was life-giving. It was as if I needed a literal lesson in how to rest and let God be God. I took another nap this week. I napped the entire car-ride to Northern Michigan this past weekend …and most of the way back. Naps might be my thing now. On the heels of all we lost and didn’t get to do last year, God is doing something new …again. “Everyday, your mercies are new,” Lamentations reads, “great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23) Yes, Amen, and glory up. Thank God, God is God.
Another trip around the sun.
One that includes two daughters in junior high, the call to move to a new community …and a new church …and all of the amazing things God has laid on my heart to do and to write about. What a privilege to serve Him. What a joy it is to walk with Jesus.
Thank You God, for naps …and movers … all of the miracles You have written onto the pages I have yet to turn …and answers to prayers I have yet to even pray.
You know me the best.
I love You the very most.
You see me.
I trust You.
You hear me.
I talk and talk and talk and talk to You.
In the place where I pray at on the hardest, most heartbreaking days, You sit with Your arm around me.
Whatever it brings.
Whatever You will, God …I’m all in.
Abba, Yahweh. Jesus, Friend. Spirit, Stand-by. Glory up.